Our 5 year old friend Ivan has been learning A LOT of new words recently, especially since having tubes put in his ears.  His mom, Stephanie was impressed with his latest new word, “patch.”  He told her, “Daddy, patch hiney off!”  Translation: “Mom, get this bandaid off my bum!”

I see a first grade girl who speaks English as a second language and often has difficulty pronouncing new words. Just try to imagine how difficult it was for me not to laugh every time she substituted the word “turd” for “Arthur” while reading an Arthur story to me this morning.

Excerpt from a therapy session with a 1st grader who makes me laugh because (a) he is so typically boy and (b) he starts nearly every sentence with the word “well.”

Therapy goal: Name 3 items in a given category.

Today’s session:

Me: As fast as you can, tell me 3 things that are green.

Boy: Well, Hulk in the movie Hulk is green

Me: Right, can you think of any more?

Boy: Well, boogers are green too.

Me: That is true.  What else is green?

LONG PAUSE.

Boy (finally): Well, um, well, leaves are green.

Funny how that last one was the answer that took so long to come up with!

Angelina has been learning about letters at school. Big “A” is called capital “A”. Little “a” is called lowercase “a”. Today, she was trying to pull her pants up and complained, “They’re stuck on my capital toe!”

I have a “Silly Sentences” game in which kids can mix and match nouns, verbs, adjectives, etc. to form sentences.  I use it to work on teaching correct grammar.  A first grade boy made up the following sentence today: “A green dinosaur ate a cat.”  I said, “Whew, that’s scary.  I’m glad I’m not that cat!”  He responded, “Well, that’s okay.  You can be the cat because dinosaurs don’t exist now.”

I introduced 2 kids to Jenga today.  I showed them how to find a loose block, take it out, and put it back on top of the stack.  I failed to tell them that the tower usually falls.  After about 2 turns, the blocks came crashing down with a loud racket.  Little Sara* felt horrible.  She said, over and over again, “I’m SO sorry, Mrs. Mohundro, it was me and Bob’s* fault!  I’m SO sorry!”

*Names have been changed.

I asked one first grader, “Who is the principal of your school?”  He named 3 or 4 people, none of whom were the principal.  I informed him, “Dr. Turner is the principal.”  He said, “Dr. Turner is the principal now?! I didn’t know.  I thought she was the boss of the school.”

Kid: Hey.  Hey.  Hey.  Hey.  Hey.

LuAnn: WHAT?

Kid (sniffing): My armpits smell good!

I was asking one of my kids at Greenwood a series of “when” questions.  Seems we need to work on time concepts, too.

-I asked, “When do you do your homework?” He said, “10:15”

-Next, I asked “When do you go to bed?”  He said, “9:15”

On my first day back to school after our trip to Hawaii, I showed the kids pictures from a Hawaii calendar so they could see where I’d been.  I showed them one beach shot with several palm trees and asked if they knew what kind of trees those were.  One exclaimed, “Yeah, that’s a Oak-a-nut tree!”  (as in coconut-too cute!)

One of my groups at the elementary school consists of 2 rather active boys who never stop talking.  I overheard this conversation while they were supposed to be working quietly.

Boy 1 (singing): Love stinks!

Boy 2 (dead serious): No it doesn’t!  Love is beautiful!

My kids aren’t the only funny ones.  Here are a few stories from LuAnn, one of the other SLPs I work with at Westwood.

Remember my client who told me dinosaurs lived in the 1840s?  LuAnn has a little boy who gave us a bit more insight.  He said (with his w/l substitutions), “Dinosaurs wived a wong time ago, but now they stink.”

(Translation: Now they’re extinct).

LuAnn: I like those shoes. Are they new?

Boy: Yeah!  They run and walk and jump.

LuAnn: Do they run and jump and walk by themselves?

Boy: Yep, they do everything!

Kid (pointing at LuAnn’s wedding ring): What’s that?

LuAnn: It’s my wedding ring.

Kid: Who gave it to you?

LuAnn: My husband.

Kid: He can’t do that!

LuAnn: Why not?

Kid: It’s bad!  My Nana said that.  It’s bad!

LuAnn: It’s bad to get married?

Kid: Yeah, it’s bad!

More “kids are funny” stories.  I love my job!

Me: How are the floor and the ceiling different?  Are there lights on the floor?

Kid: I wish there were lights on the floor. It would look like a disco-land!

Me: How are a car and a limousine different?

Kid: Because faaabulous people have a limo.

Kid 1 (making up a sentence with final “th” words): My nana takes out her teeth and wash them and put them back in her mouth.

Kid 2: What the heck?!?

(She proceeded to tell me she does NOT take her teeth out.)

Me: Use your best writing.

1st grader: I lost my best writing at school…in kindergarten.

Kid 1: Do you have shiny teeth?

Me (smiling): I don’t know, do I?

Kid 2: Yeah!

Kid 1: No, I mean like this (pointing to a silver cap).

Me: No, I don’t have any teeth like that.

Kid 1: Well, you can get some from the dentist.

Thanks.  I’ll consider that.

Last but not least.  I was reading a story today called Back to School for Rotten Ralph.  Each time I introduced it, I asked if the kids knew what “rotten” meant.  One kindergartener was surprisingly quick to respond.

Me: Do you know what rotten means?

Kid: Yeah!  It’s when cowboys go fast, they say that.

Me: They say rotten?

Kid: Yeah!  They say “Rodden Cowboy!”

(That’s ride ‘em, cowboy! SO close!)

My kids at the elementary school are still learning my name.  I ask them every session to see if they remember it yet.  I was prompting one by saying, “Remember, it’s Mrs. Mo…”  The reply?  “MRS. MOHAWK!”

When my kids master a sound at word level, they get to move on to sentences.  In order to assess their ability to produce the sound accurately in a sentence, I need them to make up the sentence so it’s spontaneous speech, not just repeat a sentence I tell them.  Often, their sentence consists of the word and how they define it.  Here’s an example from this week.  I liked it.

“Mouthwash. When you don’t got time to brush your teeth, you use mouthwash.”

In reference to Halloween (don’t know how we got on that subject; sometimes the kids are good at getting me off topic, I’m afraid): “At the dollar store, there’s a bloody foot!  But it’s a fake.”

Immediately after the bloody foot comment came the question, “What’s for lunch?” When I said I didn’t know, the kindergartener replied, “Do we have any bacon here?”